Christopher S.
10/29/2007
365 Million Years Ago
Early Devonian
Western Coast of Gondwanaland
Biting Insect Bay
July 18th
11:15am
(Slightly After Brunch)
It was at this most August point in Earth's history that the first amphibious creatures to evolve reached out with their stubby, scaly paws, and with deliberate steps, crawled out of the water and into the glorious sun. No longer confined to the reeking pools of the fetid swamps, they were now free! Free to roam the banks of slippery mud and begin their dominion of this new, uncharted world! They were the pioneers of the new future, a new world order that would span the millennia.
And it was about three whole seconds later that they realized what a colossal #$@&!@ mistake they had made.
The problem was quite simple. Land, by definition, was not water. Land was here, under their feet, but the water was now inconveniently over there, and the further into the land you went, the more distant the water became. And since water remained essential to staying not-dead, this meant that the more involved you became with land, the more work you had to perform in order to get water.
For the first amphibians, this meant hoofing it over miles of jungle, dodging 8-foot cockroaches and whatever other nightmares mother nature had just cooked up, all for the simple sake of getting a drink and live to see another day of roach-dodging. Worse still, having kids required more water and an extended honeymoon at any one of a million watering holes that quickly became known as Predator Heaven or Prey Hell (today known as Club Med).
For millions of years, this was de rigueur for all the life that walked or crawled or slithered on this earth.
It was a serious bummer.
Then, around 245 MYA, the dinosaurs appeared. These newer models were special because of their revolutionary approach to the egg. Instead of dumping an egg in water and praying for the best as the roaches charged, these guys encapsulated the water INSIDE the shell of the egg. Mothers around the world were free to fire at will as they pleased, the nearest pond and its minions of death be damned.
It was the world's first attempt at plumbing.
Sadly, it was about the most successful nature was able to devise until homo sapiens appeared. It was the Romans who most famously tackled the problem of moving water from where it was to where people wanted it to be - mainly, in their bathtubs. Because nature had forgotten about body odor during the leap to land, too.
It wasn't long before the Romans invented indoor plumbing and health spas proliferated across the world of the ancients like Starbucks hitting virgin territory. For the first time, life did not have to bust its hump for a dip in lavender bubbles and a good loofah scrub.
Unfortunately, the new technology was entirely based on pipes made out of lead, and the history of plumbing pretty much went downhill from that point on.
Perhaps it was an affectation of the lead coursing happily through their veins, but humanity bought into the whole indoor plumbing concept and added to it exponentially. Baths became showers, showers became multi-headed, holes over the inlaw's room became toilets, and we all completely forgot how the whole thing worked.
As the opportunities for profit grew in this ecological niche, a new breed of specialists with low-hanging jeans quickly evolved to pick up the slack and make a quick buck. And many of them made more than just a quick buck or two. For the unwary ex-amphibian caught in the clutches of a wrench-wielding roach named Bob, a $2 leak in a shower could easily become a $15K home-improvement odyssey through the depths of hell. And as quickly as the damage was done, Bob and his ilk would scurry back into the underbrush to hide under logs and leaf litter to await the next sucker to call out for a water heater installation.
Ever since, it's been a hard job to sort out the roaches from the saints.
Happily, Speake's is one of the few saints on the block. And what miracles they perform! They arrive, when they say they will arrive. Their arrival window can be as little as 2 hours. They know what they're doing, and do it very quickly. They are very free and open with advice and options, but don't push a hard sell. And they go the extra mile to make sure everything is done right.
My parents had a leak in their shower. $15K was the estimate to rip it out & replace. But Speake's diagnosed a potential seal leak over the phone and talked them through the fix. About $50 and some elbow grease was all they needed. They did it themselves & hired Speake's to install a set of water heaters. On that basis, we had Speake's install our new heater. It wasn't cheap, but they used quality materials you don't get from Home Depot. Better yet, they installed a catch-pan for the water and the release pipe (which went through the wall), gratis. Speake's gets my highest recommendation